through all the delusions.
i have seen.
what i can only pass off as.
what i really feel.
i will run.
and run will all my strength.
to catch you by the hand.
and yet i doubt.
i doubt myself.
they say everyone's worst enemy is himself.
and that is true.
i fear for what might happen if i would fail.
for even though my heart has hardened.
this is a feeling that seems to penetrate.
even the thickest of hearts.
what a mysterious feeling it is.
it compels me to think in circles once again.
and to revive the writing i used to do.
so, so frequently.
i thought i had abandoned it for good.
but no matter how far i think.
i know that there will be no way i can read into the future.
the only thing i can do.
is to live for the present.
live for today.
forget about imagining scenarios.
they will never turn out.
the way you imagine them to be anyway.
if you even get there in the first place.
why does my heart conflict upon itself?
inside it feels as if swords are clashing.
it feels as if i wasn't supposed to experience this in the first place.
and yet i yearn for it.
it's too late to turn back now.
so i will only put my hope and trust in myself.
i shall ask for no more help.
for the rest is up to me.
happiness can only be known from sadness.
so i will toil.
i will work my utmost best to get to you.
because i have seen and known.
that the hardest work will always pay off.
i am not desperate for it.
the only benefit my hardened heart provides.
yet it is something i desire above almost everything else.
and for happiness, i know i must suffer.
just sitting here and thinking provides me suffering.
but it is small, and it is weak.
there will be no way i shall succumb to it.
for it is not deserving at all.
and so it starts.
my quest for the feeling once lost.
the sparks have been set off, the fire ablaze.
the gears are turning, and old machinery running again.
and here's hoping.
hoping for the best.
who does not yearn for his reward.
after the effort he has put in.
so with that tiny glimmer of hope i shall trust in.
and here's hoping that it may finally end well for once.